Erin Marie Hall | Photographer » Wedding + Lifestyle Photography

“When everything inside me looks like everything I hate,
You are the Hope I have for change, you are the only chance I’ll take
And I’m on fire when You’re near me, I’m on fire when You speak,
and I’m on fire burning at these mysteries.“

-Switchfoot

I have a paper and annotated bibliography that are due Monday that I haven’t even started, but I feel like I need to write something here. I know that this blog has been created to document the progress of my business as I embark on this wonderful and terrifying endeavor that is pursuing photography, but I feel like a huge aspect of the art of portrait photography is utter honesty. Honesty is imperative in building a relationship between the photographer and the model, in connecting to each others’ stories, lives, and emotions, and capturing it. So while I mostly feel like I should post about things that make me seem completely put-together, polished, and professional, it seems like more than anything, I should be genuine. And right now, genuine is definitely not put-together.

Thursday night, J and I broke up. We’d spent all day fighting even after a wonderful date night on Wednesday, it was just the apex of a long series of things that had become quite volatile. Both of us mutually agreed (as he stomped off into the night and I furiously drove away) that our relationship was making us miserable at that point and we needed time apart. While it was sudden, it wasn’t on a whim. It was, however, emotional, raw, and quick… like a heart attack. I hardly realized what was happening as I left, scanning his incoming sarcastic text messages and responding with my own. It was not one of my better days, and I am ashamed at how I acted in hindsight.

J has been on a silent retreat all weekend, and we talked through texts and facebook a bit before he left, but let me tell you: this weekend is critical. I know in my heart that we do need time apart, but the weekend has really been a huge lesson in surrendering my future and trusting that all things work for good for those who love the Lord. It has given me time to think, time to breathe and relax and spend time with friends and have some wonderful conversations. I don’t know what God has planned for J and I in the long run, but I know it will be good.

It is always difficult to let go of something so important, something you’ve invested so much passion and time and hope in, but we know that our friendship runs deep and will definitely be close even if we remain ‘broken up.’ It’s frustrating, too, to be in the business of connecting and documenting love stories and to experience the possible end to my own. It’s killer. Last time this happened to me, I couldn’t even pick up a camera or sit down at a piano for weeks. It was as though the muse had died. This time, though, I know that God wants me to trust Him and glorify Him in all things. So I recorded a cover of On Fire by Switchfoot on piano earlier, just to force myself to do something productive. I do these things called 1-Take Wonders where I just pick a song and do one take, and whatever I come up with, I post to Youtube. It kind of started as an accidental just-don’t-have-the-patience-to-do-more-than-one-take thing, but now I like to do it because it’s more genuine. It’s honest.

I hope you enjoy it. This song has always meant a lot to me, especially in times of suffering. I know that truly, I am standing on the edge of everything I’ve never been before, and I’m on fire burning at His mysteries.

I am going to be gone all weekend for the fall 2009 ANTIOCH RETREAT EXTRAORDINAIRE.A ridiculous weekend-long Catholic retreat full of hilarious inside jokes, far too little sleep and far too much green tea! I will be their photographer for the weekend, documenting all the craziness and seeing all of my good friends. I’m also going to Dueling Pianos at Legends tonight. I will post pictures and a slideshow at the end of the weekend!

The title is a line from Auqualung’s song “Strange and Beautiful.” The rest of the song is a little creepy-obsessive, but that line sums up the way I feel about a lot of things. I feel this way about J, for example, haha. I also feel this sentiment toward my favorite place in the world, Chicago. Chicago has always been a huge part of me. I find (or invent) reasons to make the 2 hour South Shore train trip probably 10 times a year, simply because if I go without that city for too long, my heart begins to ache. Chicago and I are *that* close. It’s a pretty serious relationship. I don’t know, there’s something about the city that makes me feel connected to the world. I love making transfers on the CTA and giving tourists directions and napping in the grass in Millennium Park and stopping at Potbelly for pizza sandwiches. I love the street musicians and the crazies with end-of-the-world signs and the constant construction sections. It’s all so strange and beautiful.

I surprised J by meeting him at the airport yesterday when he came back from fall break, and as soon as I walked up the stairs of Millennium Station into the bright and bustling world of downtown Chicago, I immediately felt at home. I felt awake. I felt alive.

To top it all off, yesterday had to be THE MOST BEAUTIFUL autumn day anyone could ever imagine. It was warm enough that I didn’t need my coat, with brilliant golden leaves strewn about the sidewalks and hanging gloriously from the trees. (Unfortunately, I was too busy beaming at them to take any photos, but hopefully you can picture the scene.)

PIDGIE WIDGIES!

J and I got a bit lost taking an alternative route to one of my favorite restaurants, Ed Debevic’s. As a result, we walked through an adorable little neighborhood on Dearborn just north of the loop that had all of these ADORABLE little duplex homes. I seriously wanted to move in right then and there. GUH, they were just so beautiful. Even though we ended up a mile and a half out of our way, I was grateful for the bit of extra ambling time.We held hands and walked slowly, taking in the day, talking of the future and we really enjoyed being in love. He even picked me up princess-style, spun me around and kissed me at one point. Yeah, we are one of those sickeningly sweet couples that are so in love it’s disgusting. But can you blame me, when I’m dating a guy that looks like THIS?:

All of the employees at Ed’s are super rude. They also dance on the counters. Awesome. It’s like Johnny Rockets with attitude.Also, I felt pretty as I was waiting for J’s plane, so I went to the bathroom and took a picture. Hahaha, I’m a geek.

Another good part of that Aqualung song is the 2nd verse. It says:

“Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do sometimes…”

And BOY do I know how this feels. I am such a heartfelt, emotive person that my heart gets wrapped up in people, places, and things easily, and I have a hard time letting them go. I’ve fallen in love before only to realize that “sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,” and while it’s so painful to embrace, I know that good comes from loss. I know that all of the mistakes I’ve made, all of the wishes and prayers that have seemingly gone unanswered, and all of the things I wanted so badly that never happened have ultimately led me to this life, and this moment. I love where I am, and I owe that to many disappointments. Had I gotten my way all those times, I can’t fathom where I’d be.

I’ve also learned the art of waiting. If you’re a young person in a serious relationship you probably understand exactly what I mean. It’s so difficult thinking that J and I have three years till we can get married, which means at least a year and a half until we’re engaged… so I guess all I can do is wait. Slow down, enjoy the moment I’m in as it shapes the moments to come, and look to the future with excitement, but not anxiousness. It’s tough, but sometimes waiting is all you can do. Sometimes it’s the best thing you can do. Sometimes waiting is exactly what we need to make us stop and feel alive.

Okay, a few things:

1. I am making a pretty major investment that is going to mean MUCH better print quality for my clients! It is a secret for now, but rest assured that I will be taking photos and posting about it as soon as it arrives.

2. I just discovered a site that looks to be super awesome. Mentioned in the South Bend Tribune today, it is a website specifically for pre-owned wedding dresses. While I know many might shudder at the thought of not buying new, these dresses are marked down from original price considerably and most of them have pictures of normal people wearing the gowns, rather than models. I’d probably be hesitant to buy a gown online, but for those who want to find a great deal on a gown, there’s a resource for you!

3. Because of financial reasons, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it to California to see J over the holidays. But thanks to the AWESOME generosity of my family, I will now be flying out on Christmas Day to spend two weeks in San Diego/OC. YAY!

4. Last night I had a really crazy dream. I dreamed that I was dreaming about my wedding, and when I ‘woke up’ I was actually getting married… only J hadn’t proposed to me, we didn’t have rings, I hadn’t planned any of the decorations, and we didn’t say vows or kiss or even have a first dance! GAH! I’m sure many brides-to-be have the terrible it’s-my-wedding-day-and-I-haven’t-planned-anything nightmares (and if you have, I’d love to hear them). I’m not engaged yet, but I swear that when I woke up, for a split second I thought I was already married! Hahaha.

5. Starting a business while you’re still in college is CRAZY! Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO happy that I’m able to do what I love, but it is definitely challenging to keep priorities in line, balancing school with work. If it was up to me, I’d spend all my time browsing blogs like Green Wedding Shoes and Style Me Pretty… but alas, all this work is calling my name:

I am a busy bee! Luckily, I have liquid crack… I mean, Dr. Pepper… to keep me awake.

And I get to read AWESOME books like this and write papers on them for my Mass Communication class. Yay!

Hope you’re all doing well!